coming back

today I sat in the very first room where I made friends for 3 years straight and beyond. its bittersweet, being in the same room 7-8 years later. circumstances changed, situations shifted. I could still hear the laughter we share, my friends. all the yelling and all the screaming that could be heard all the way from the corridor.

I stared at how much the room has changed, and how it probably shaped us as a person we are today. did you enjoy our times together? speaking in past tense kinda feels like they're now forever gone.

the sun is the same sun that showered us with its light a few years ago, yet it felt very different, somewhat a stranger. I looked through the right window where you could see our school's backyard. it looked familiar, sure, and kinda felt the same. but a lot has also changed, my friends. at the same time, it also felt  very different. it honestly felt like I'm trying to remember faces I haven't seen before.

this atmosphere really got me thinking, I'm scared to lose my younger self now that we are slowly but surely merging into adulthood. it feels overwhelming, and sadly we don't hang out as much as we used to back then. I guess maybe there's a part of me wishing that I was still 16, and the year was still 2016, and I'd felt my best self. but the truth is I'm now 23, and the year is 2023, and I'm feeling kinda lost.

I can say I'm back, but cant say that I'm home.

since I'm coming back to foreign faces I don't recognize anymore.

May 31st, 2023
7:27 AM

something absolutely fictional

do you feel ease when we're together?

or do you wish it was me instead of her?

do you wish we're bound for life for the better?

or do you feel you have to let me go to make me happier?

years, and years

never once you thought you'd feel it in the atmosphere

the day when something divine interferes

while you reminisce the day I show you my fears and tears

and when you somehow feel a spark appears

we're something absolutely fictional

and it breaks our hearts into millions fractional

so long

this quarter life crisis thing is serious.

have you ever lay wide awake at 2 am just to drown in your own thoughts?

funny by the day you try to be the most positive person people have ever known, giving them countless encouragement for them to get by, preach about how manifesting good things for their life is a must. but then night comes and that person is tragically vanished into thin air, abducted by your own thoughts, your horrible, unforgiving thoughts that consumes your own sanity.

you always wonder, what’s it like to be emotionally stable? do you have to be financially stable to get there? or that's just the status quo, the way of life, that when you're not broke, you can enjoy your life. you live the successful life.

sometimes you’re also wondering about the-ones-that-got-away scenarios that you could’ve experience. how unfair it is to be robbed of the things you could’ve had. the word pain can not even accurately describe what you feel to begin with, because it’s just impossible to turn back time. so you just sit there, silently in the corner, staring into nothingness, waiting until the feeling of failure and regret would fade away into temporary oblivion, again.

you act all tough outside, but it’s just a façade of your self-destructive self inside. a façade of your sensitive side, your vulnerable side that you desperately want people to acknowledge without the fear of being judged.

as heart wrenching as it is, the bone-chilling night is your only comfort. where you shed your tears clandestinely. cause when the world is being showered by the warmth of the sunlight,

you’d put up a smile and whispers, "so long, sorrow," as your form of manifestation to get you through the day.

didedikasikan kepada kumpulan penikung yang hobi salah ketik dan balap vokal

berhari hari sudah kujalani
tapi hatiku belum secerah mentari
aku masih ingin terus mencari
pengisi hati yang mereka tinggali

delapan orang terunik
yang kepribadiannya menarik
kita membuat banyak kenangan apik
yang akhirnya kurasa mencekik

hei, kalian! aku rindu
semakin hari semakin pilu
tapi tak ingin terus menerus sendu
tolonglah dengarkan aduku
aku rindu!
ayo bertemu

-5:24 pm
biasanya masih bisa berwacana
sekarang hanya mengaminkan rencana

I Used To Cry

I used to cry over graduation
I'd always got anxious of whats gonna come
I'd cry over the fact that I'm growing up
But life did it to me anyway, so I've grown up
And now I know crying over a graduation will be such a waste
Especially if you promise all the "we have to keep seeing each other" sayings
Cut the crap, we're all going to be busy

I used to cry, and what I was crying about doesn't matter at all to me now
So let's laugh for now, we might as well cry later
Just remember the good memories you've been experiencing
And the bad ones too because we probably will laugh over it in the future

Be grateful for the life you've been in
Because if you lived any other way, there wouldn't be you

p.s: i love my classmates so much eventhough they really know how to make me mad

-8/4/18
23:24
a day before national exam
and i wrote this instead of studying--
my almost midnight thoughts